


I Want To Hold You When I Can't

by Creative_Name



Category: Six of Crows Series - Leigh Bardugo
Genre: Anorexia, Depression, Fluff, Fun, Im tryibg but its bad, Mental Institutions, Multi, Muteness, Rape, Sad with a Happy Ending, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, seeing things
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-18
Updated: 2018-09-17
Packaged: 2019-07-13 18:35:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,863
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16023620
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Creative_Name/pseuds/Creative_Name
Summary: Mental hospital AUIt's sad and funny.TW: Suicide attempt, Eating Disorder, Major Depression





	I Want To Hold You When I Can't

**Author's Note:**

> Based off of my summer in an IPU  
> Pretty intense suicidal thoughts in beginning.

     Inej stared at her tearstained face in the dirty bathroom mirror, she looked miserable. Her hair was matted, skin bruised from sleepless nights. Desperately, she tried to convince herself that this wasn't necessary. But, logic was drowned out by the need to be gone. Nobody wanted a tarnished girl ruining their lives. Inej just no longer wanted to exist. They say to wait a week and see if you still want to do it, a voice said. But, if you do this now everyone will be happier, another voice said much louder and stronger. Inej cried even harder. Her mom would be so happy to be rid of this burden she had been laden with for years. Her hands wrapped around the note she had written yesterday. Shakily, she reached for the knife she had taken from her father, a beautiful blade from Inej's grandfather. It seemed like a good way to die. She lifted the blade to her wrist, and slashed hard and fast. Blood immediately spilled from her wrist. Inej quickly cut the other one before she was to weak. She sat on the floor of the bathroom relishing in the pain. She thought about all the terrible things she had done and now she could be free. She laughed, because what 15 year old girl has accepted her death already. Apparently she had. It was wonderful.  The last thing Inej thought before darkness clouded her vision was how beautiful it was to see crimson life falling from frail wrists, now pain would forever be washed away. 

- 

     She woke to harsh light in her eyes and bandages on her arms. Inej rolled her shoulders. Was she finally dead? Had she rid the world of the blemish she was? She was so tired. 

     "Inej! Oh thank god, you're awake," Her mother exclaimed, her face lined with happiness. Inej wanted to scream. They let her live. She didn't deserve that. Her father and mother looked just so happy to see her, she could lie to make them feel better. Wouldn't be the first time. 

    "Yeah, where are we?" Inej asked, her voice weak. Her parents exchanged a glance and her heart dropped. 

    "Well, we had found you on the bathroom floor. There was so much blood! So we took the hospital and they helped you," Her mother said, "They didn't know if you would live. The doctor's said you attempted suicide." Her father cut her off with a look. 

    "Why would you do this? You didn't think to talk to us. We could have helped you know," Her father said softly. Inej now just wanted to cry, they were acting so concerned. It was just an act though, right? Thank god the conversation was cut off by a some doctor entering the room. 

    "Hello, I'm a psychologist for our Inpatient Psych Unit. Technically, you should have to call me Dr. Safin, but that's to formal. Call me Genya," She said, smiling wide.  Inej gave her a weak smile in greeting. She didn't know what to think of her.

     "So, I've been talking with the people over on the unit and there is an open bed if you choose to send your daughter there. We already talked briefly about the program earlier. It will be the easiest track to getting her feeling like herself again," Genya said directly to her parents and Inej repressed the urge to roll her eyes. No one cared what she thought. 

    "It's for the best, honey. You'll be feeling better in no time," Her mother patted her leg affectionately. 

    "You actually want to send me away! I want to stay with you," Inej exclaimed. This was unjust, isn't there a law or something about not sending your kid away. In her anger, Inej had barely noticed her father signing the papers that would allow her to be sent to, well basically, hell.

    "The nurses will be in soon to transport you. Good luck!" Genya left the room with a cheery wave. Inej rolled over and refused to look at her parents. 

    "We'll come back later tonight with your things. Try not to sulk too much," Her father said as he and Inej's mother left the room. This left her in silence to brood about the unfairness of the situation. Not much later, a sweet looking nurse came in to transport her to wherever. She was so kind looking, Inej couldn't bring herself to be snarky. 

-

If she was honest, Inej was expecting an asylum like you see in horror movies, but instead she was met with a normal looking hospital floor. The nurse led her into a living room like area and sat down.

    "So, we will just wait here until someone comes to get your vitals and set you up in your room," She smiled brightly and Inej forced a smile. Another woman entered the room, she had white blonde hair and a no nonsense aura about her. 

    "Thanks Jill. Hi, I'm Alina, a mental health counselor and we are going to get to know each other very well," She said, "Come on, let's go see your room." Inej followed her down a short hallway with bedrooms with handmade signs outside of them. The happiness of the place confused and disgusted her, wasn't this supposed to be were crazies were kept?

    "I'm just going to take your vitals and then take you back to where the others are," Inej obediently held out her arm for the blood pressure cuff. Alina showed no surprise about the bandages on her wrists, but was careful to avoid messing with them. 

    "You'll being staying in here. I think you can tell which bed is yours," Alina quiped. For the first time, Inej noticed the bed across the room had multiple stuffed animals and blankets on it. She just shrugged, honestly it didn't matter. 

    "Guess you're a quieter one, your roommate here," Alina shuddered, "She's a chatterbox. Come on, let's go meet everybody," Inej trailed behind down another hallway and into a large room with a big table in the middle. There were about two other teenagers sitting there. Alina gently nudged her into the room, and left waving to the man sitting behind a desk. How wonderful, Inej thought bitterly. She walked in and threw herself down in a chair. 

    "Hey! I'm Nina. I'm the veteran of this place. There are five of us, but right now it's just me and Wylan. He doesn't talk though. Everyone else is in therapy or god knows where else. You'll meet them at dinner probably. What's your name?" Nina exclaimed loudly. 

    "I'm Inej. Should I say anything else?" This girl made her a bit uncomfortable, but she seemed nice enough.

    "I talk a lot, so it doesn't really matter. I think I have an idea about why you are here. Suicide attempt? Am I right?" Nina said. Inej nodded, wondering how she knew but then remembered the bandages on her wrists. 

    "Well, good luck getting out of here with that. Look, here's one of my children. Not really, but I'm the oldest so I'm like the unit mom," Nina kept on talking as a tall blond guy entered the room looking frazzled. 

    "That's Matthias. Say hi. This is Inej, she's new," The guy raised a hand in greeting before slumping in on himself. 

    "He'll talk to you once he gets out of his 'oh no the horror of therapy' mood," She said before stage whispering, "Which usually takes a while." 

    "Do you ever stop talking?" Inej questioned, honestly confused.

    "No, never. Can you shut her up?" Matthias grumbled. 

    For a while, Inej just sat and listened to Nina talk about the other patients in the ward, ignoring the looks from the guy behind the desk. It was probably the most fun she had in ages. Though it ended when the man stood up and clapped his hands. 

    "Okay, so we should probably head to dinner so I don't get yelled at. Go, onwards my children," He said very unenthusiastically. 

    "Who is that guy?" Inej asked. 

    "That's Mal, he's like the good one. There are bad and good counselors here just so you know. We like him," Nina replied. Inej continued to watch the others. Matthias seemed tired and worn, he had a sad feeling about him. Wylan, well, he didn't talk so she didn't honestly know. They had entered a dining room that faced the street going away from the hospital. 

    "Meals are always exciting, always some good drama," Nina informed her, "You sit there," She said pointing to a tray with her name on it. Inej noticed that there were two others already sitting there. One who was happily chattering away to Wylan, who was smiling and another who was glaring at his tray like it had killed his family. She sat down and contemplated her food. A chicken sandwich with tater tots. Very appetizing. 

    "You probably will want to know, the one attempting to flirt is Jesper and the one with the tube in his nose is Kaz. They're okay just incredibly annoying," Nina said pointing to each one in turn with her fork. Helpful information sure but Inej didn't care. 

    "Kaz, you only have thirty minutes. Start eating," Mal said firmly, already setting a timer on his phone.

    "I'm not going to eat it, you should just call the nurse and tell her to set me up," He replied. Inej was surprised at how gravelly his voice sounded. Nina stared at her pointedly as if to say, See drama told you. Mal just sighed and buried his face in his hands.

    "I can't do that and you know that," He said exasperated.

    "This is the going to be a fun thirty minutes then," Kaz replied smirking. Inej turned her attention back to the very unappetizing hospital food, she could blame him for not wanting to eat it, and began to eat. The meal continued with Nina and Matthias arguing back and forth, with that Jesper guy adding commentary in. It felt as if they'd already formed a small family here, one that would never include her. The thoughts of her being worthless flooded back and it felt as if someone had added a weight of an elephant to her shoulders. Still, she hid it. Inej was snapped out of her thoughts by the loud beep of a timer going off. 

    "Look at that. Another meal not eaten," Mal sighed. Kaz smiled and left the room as fast as he could. Nina grabbed Inej's arm and pulled her out the door.

    "So we have the rest of the night free to be in our rooms until they force us to sleep. Wanna play a game or watch a movie?" Nina asked as she led them back to their shared room. The door now had a hastily made looking sign displaying crookedly Inej. 

    "Honestly, I'm just going to go to bed," She replied. Inej made her way to the bed and laid down. She rolled over to face the wall. The thoughts of death were still there and they were never going away. Inej fell asleep to the thoughts of unloving parents and disappointment. 

 

 

   

         

**Author's Note:**

> Should I continue?


End file.
